Super Secret Squirral Code Word to enter

I've been a closet run/walker for the last month. I didn't want to tell anyone because I feel like such a hypocrite. It totally bugs me when I'm running a race and the same person, usually a long legged blond with a super cute pony tail, breezes past me with a huge smile on her face only for me to pass her a few minutes later during her "walk" portion only to do it over and over and over and over again until she beats my pants off in the end. It. Totally. Irks. Me.

So I haven't told anyone. Although I didn't do it during a race, I do bitch about others doing "it" to me and I don't play that game. Maybe I should start. LOL. Not bitching but run/walking during races because maybe I'd finish stronger, maybe I'd not feel like I was totally burned out the last 1/4 mile of every race, maybe I would... but shh I have a secret.

I RAN yesterday.

I ran like I haven't run in months. 4 months in fact. I ran 2.2 miles straight and although it was harder than it should have been, although it was mentally a huge hurdle to cross, it felt SO GOOD. I almost cried when I was done. My legs could have gone on for another 0.1 miles forever my lungs and my mind were spent. I was shaking and hurt all over but I had a giddy/silly look on my face because I didn't stop once. My Garmin says 10m3s pace, and that was h.a.r.d.

I started out thinking I was going to do a 4/1 jog/walk but when I hit 4 minutes I actually felt good in a painful mind numbing i just want to keep going to see if I can do this kind of way, and thought it was a good day to keep going. There were so many flowers blooming in the park, so many fun people and animals to look at, so much more than I usually see on this trail because I used to run it so much I almost hated to look around me. 4 months and 2 seasons off gave me a new appreciation and love for our little park.

By the time I got to the mile marker I didn't want to turn around. There was so much more I wanted to see! But as I inched past it I slowed down and looked around and reminded myself that it had been a long time since I ran this far. It had been a long time since I pushed myself beyond my boundaries and it was sad to think that 2 miles was a lot but it is after such a long rehab period. So I trotted my butt around and headed back. I payed attention to my labored breathing and thought I should slow down but my legs were so happy. I did get a twinge of some knee pain but that dissipated as fast as it appeared. My lungs and thighs burned but it made me smile. My legs in general felt like they could go on forever. By the time I reached the rocks I was done. I was shaking and gasping and wanted to cry in pain/ happiness. I felt like me out there today. The me after a hard workout. The me that is looking for a race to run even if its just against myself. I wanted to find a finish line to this injury and a start line to my running again. I hope that was me breaking the tape on the that finish line of the last 4 months. I'm just happy to feel like me.

Stick a Fork in Me

I'm done. I sooo need a good soul searching, mind numbing, music blasting, feet turning run. I need to sweat, and almost cry and take too deep of breaths and go go go until I'm spent. Then take a long hot shower and let the salt run off me because that hasn't happened in OMG WAY TOO LONG! I need a freaking break from reality and fall into that amazing blissful runners high I haven't felt since the first weekend in December when I ran faster than I should have because I felt so damn good. Of course then I bonked. Here I am 6 months later walking around like a pile of mush.

I'm going for a run tonight, if only in my head. Because the stupid car is broke down again. in the last week its cost us $1600 or more to fix the computer and the AC. Freak an A! With so many things I want... and a few things I need and I feel guilty buying a new pair of shoes! Shoes would make me feel better right? Since I feel like Crap all the time. I thought maybe I was anemic or dying or had some rare disease to explain how crappy I feel. So I went to the doc and she sent me to the blood suckers and they took an enormous amount of my bodily fluids to tell me whats wrong.

I got my labs back today and after a full panel everything under the sun... I'm perfectly fine other than needing my thyroid meds increased. I have low resting heart rate (something ridiculous like 56 after riding my bike hard to make it to my appt on time then sitting down for an entire 3 minutes before the nurse took my vitals) and low BP, perfect lipid and cholesterol. Damn I should feel a hell of a lot better than I do. So I think I need to run.

I know its stupid to look in the mirror and judge myself. Really... I'm one of those girls that people laugh at when I say I feel fat. Naturally I'm not. I'm small boned, have naturally low body fat, I'm a stupid freak of nature but guess what...? I feel fat. I have mushy parts, especially all this eating like crap then looking at the lovely muffin top bulging over my waist band. Yes I do, it is REALLY HARD TO MISS. Its almost freaking swim suit season. Back to eating veggies and working out. No more slacking. no. more. slacking. nomoreslackingdamnit.

Swimming Around the Edge of Conciousness

It has been way too long. I haven't written about anything although I have ideas buzzing around my head all night. The computer being in the bedroom next to the bed isn't conducive to me writing while FFP sleeps so I stare at the ceiling and dream of working, working out, working in some time for friends, for an adventure with the boys, for a get away with the hubby. I just day dream at night because its not like you dream much when you're wide awake and watching the clock tick the middle of night away.

When I do dream, I dream of running, or biking or gasp swimming. But swimming spends more time in the thoughts of consciousness when I'm alone to think without interruption. I actually would love to learn to swim, well I think that at 3am anyway, not so much during regular daylight hours when the pool or open water seem like the farthest things from my time ideally spent. I would much rather go for a run in the hot, muggy, canopy of Lower Park then take a dip in the shallow end of Sycamore pool than to EVER learn how to swim. Yet 3am rolls around and I think, I need to take lessons before working with a Masters swim program. Of course I do... I can't freakin' swim!  Why do we seem so idealistic, laying in bed under our covers, in a dark room, while everyone else is sleeping but your mind refuses to turn off. Its all or nothing for me. Either I'm making grand plans or I'm having a panic attack over things I have no control over... like dreaming of being in the middle of a deep lake and not knowing how to swim.