Cancer sucks

*** Gray's Anatomy spoilers ahead****

First off I'm really sorry that this post is so negative. I'm just having a really hard time today. Everything is black and white although I know there are so many shades of grey (so to speak).

I'm watching Grey's and its so sad. We all knew what was going to happen to Izzie. She has stage IV metastasised melanoma. Sucks

Today is my birthday. 16 years ago this week I had a mole removed that came back Stage II malignant melanoma. A little surgery and I was all fixed up. I gave up running. I hid inside.

Tuesday I went into the dermatologist about this facial abscess thing and he asks about my moles. I tell him about the mole removed 16 years ago this week and he does a quick scan and asks if there are any new ones or any with dramatic change. I show him one on the inside of my right breast that is not only new but since its showed up its changed from barely noticeable to very dark in just a few months. He removes it. We have a wonderful conversation about how as a 14 year old developing this form of skin cancer is most probably hereditary. Genetically my deck is stacked against me. So when he takes a second one off now its about getting these things early, and how my probability goes up for developing it again.

He reschedules us for April 1st. Group therapy. He wants me to come in and the dermo can show hubby the right way to check my skin and my moles for change. Hubby finds this amusing til I tell him that we'll be checking his skin too.

Genetically. My Uncle Larry is one of my favorite people. He has had several types of skin cancer including Melanoma and last year he had a bout with stomach cancer. he had surgery, he's had chemo, he has had clear scans until now. I got an email that its back and not only on his stomach again but two spots on his liver. Cancer sucks.

I started walking in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer because my MIL was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on September 18th 2003. We rallied around her. The hubby shaved his head when her hair started falling out. She had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. It was a long journey but she cleared and healthy.

About 4 years ago my Aunt went on a trip with her girlfriends and my uncle was sick. He ended up in the hospital. His white counts were off and it was more than just being sick. In and out of the hospital and from bad to worse. Those two years were a roller coaster of Leukemia and chemo and meds and hospital visits. In August of 2007 I lost my Uncle James to cancer.

I am no stranger to cancer but today its just too much. It has taken SO many people I love and affected even more who are important to me. Today Cancer reared its big ugly head and I'm just mad, sad, scared and driven to find a cure. I'm worried about getting back a clear path result. I'm worried for my family, for my kids and husband. I'm worried that I'll do what I did before if it comes back positive, I'll lock myself in the house again because going out in the sun is just too risky.